To Be or Not to Be. Together. That is the Question December 6, 2009

S (the man I briefly mentioned a couple of posts ago), and I have been in contact daily since I left Africa a week and a half ago. He is back in his home country for some rest from work, checking on his private affairs, doing research for his masters thesis, and doing some serious reflecting on “us”.

We’re talking about an international, intercultural, interracial and interfaith relationship. Yup, that’s what we’re looking at. Exciting opportunities and definitely huge challenges that cannot be underestimated. I don’t doubt we can make it work, the question is if we’ll be up for the challenge when the warm fuzzies give way to the everyday mundane.

In the next month or so, we will need to decide whether we want to explore the possibilities further or leave them be and let our hearts break and eventually heal from lost love but unscathed from the inevitable challenges we’d face with all the “interisms” we’d be facing.

Even within the same day, I’m vacillating between hopeful and concerned. There are some really big questions to ponder and scenarios to consider. What do you do when you have waited for years, decades, for love to come knocking and when it does, it fits in so many ways? Do you recoil in fear of future pain or do you jump off the cliff, not blindfolded mind you, but still; and build your wings as you go?

Couchsurfers December 6, 2009

I had a great couchsurfing (CS) experience this weekend. This young Hungarian couple was my fourth CS visitors and so pleasant to have around. They were out sightseeing for most of the day yesterday, but last night, we had a great exchange of foods, mixing traditions from our different countries. J came too, with a friend from Italy so we had a true international evening, throwing in a bit of salsa dancing between dinner and dessert too.

If you’re interested in meeting people from all over the world and not overly fearful of strangers, I highly recommend CS (www.couchsurfing.org), which is a global community of travellers who surf other people’s couches, or have people come sleep on their couch a couple of nights or so. It is such a great way to meet people and hear about their countries and cultures. Due to the nature of CS, the great majority are fun, friendly, outgoing and easygoing people.

This morning my guests left even before breakfast, to have time to cover the last spots on their list and make some purchases before they travel on. I’m stuck with piles of dishes and have started doing laundry. I shouldn’t say stuck because days like this, it’s actually not that bad going through the motions of cleaning, sorting and restoring things to normalcy.

I’m meeting up with J again this afternoon, when she has also waved her guest good-bye. Really looking forward to some girl-talk, for which Sunday afternoons are particularly conducive. An excursion to IKEA was on my list for today, but it’s quite a ways, both in distance and atmosphere, from the cozy coffee-and-fresh-baked-bread-smelling cafés downtown. We’ll see how the day unfolds.

Wanted: Cheering December 5, 2009

Letter-writing was an almost therapeutic theme and I sent about five letters in ten days. It is therapeutic for me to write and connect with people through my hand moving a pen across paper; and it is so rewarding to hear about how happy people get when they have received them. It is always much appreciated to receive a hand-written note in the mail.

For my grandmother, who is not connected to the world-wide web at all, I think it is even more delightful. The generation to which the great majority of her grandchildren belong make most of their connections online and writing letters, or even postcards, isn’t really on their mental map. So I belive she is now hearing less from people because she is outside this global connectivity media. I was happy to have made a gloomy December day a little brighter for her.

I have now moved on to my next 10-day theme, which is researching and contacting personal trainers. I now have a shortlist of a few names, mainly dance teachers more than actual personal trainers. When I went to get a massage yesterday, I talked to the masseuse who is also a health and wellness coach and has a service where she accompanies people for excercise sessions etc. However, I think I really need a coach, who will push me a bit, not just someone who will ensure I get my behind out the door, but actually move it once there.

The next step is to pick up the phone and talk to these few individuals that I have identified. I am a little hesitant as to how I will fit in these sessions in my long commuting days, but I do think it is necessary and the key is finding a morning person. This has been my most challenging 10-day theme so far because it really pushes me outside my comfort zone, talking to a lot of new people, being very specific and in a way demanding about what I’m looking for. Also, there is a small part of me that is quite comfortable not having to get up early to strain my muscles. However, I KNOW it is needed and I KNOW I will feel so much better if I get into the habit.

Wish me luck… or throw me a cheer, I think I could use it.

Visit with Wildlife November 29, 2009

The past week has been intense to say the least. Finished up my work in the field, went on a wildlife safari, had a romantic encounter, travelled across continents and have spent the last few days wishing I was back with S, the man currently messing with my head and heart; catching up with friends, doing laundry, downloading pictures, dancing and otherwise trying to restore life at home to some level of normalcy.

The safari was absolutely fantastic, more intense than I had imagined. Of course, I knew we would see wildlife. However, I thought we would see it from a distance, such as elephants over by the horizon or lions a few hundred feet away. I had worried that my travel-size binoculars would be frustratingly insufficient. No need to worry though, we were driving right up to the animals, watching them from only a few feet away, when they’d let us. I didn’t use my binoculars, not even once.

I got good use of my new camera though – and lots of practice with the settings. I have some fantastic shots if I may say so myself and can’t wait to go through them more carefully, do some cropping and share the highlights. A wildlife safari in Africa should be on every travellers must-do-before-I-die list. It’s an incredible experience.

From Prayer to Pen and Paper November 19, 2009

I am usually not very never bold when it comes to sharing my faith. Even with my sister, who I know shares my faith in general terms (we belive in the same God), the expression of our faith differs quite a bit. Still, I found myself offering to pray for her today when I found out she has been diagnosed with a common disease that could potentially become serious if left untreated. She responded that she would much appreciate prayer and somehow I feel encouraged in the process.

Yesterday was actually the last day of my 10-day prayer theme but as mentioned the other day, it is something I know I want to keep around. The exchange with my sister was a better post-theme period continuation I could ever have expected.

The new theme starting today is letter writing. I so enjoy pulling out a crisp sheet of stationery and pour out my thoughts, feelings and ideas with a smooth-flowing pen to a friend. Watching movies like Sense and Sensibility and see them unfold carefully hand-penned correspondence from friends and loved ones gives me goose bumps. Still, with email and cell phones, it’s become a lost art and enjoyment. So, this is my effort to revive the practice in my own life. I am not expecting to revert the world to traditional letter-writing. However, I know my hand-written letters will be appreciated and who knows, maybe I’ll even inspire someone to pull out a blank paper and start penning themselves. Who knows?

600-Day Challenge Update November 15, 2009

The theme of my last 10-day challenge was to read and do the exercises in the book “I could do anything if I only knew what it was”. I brought it on my trip, anticipating I would have quiet evenings during which I could delve into the world of mission and passion exploration. Not so, I’m afraid. I didn’t open the book, even once.

My evenings here are not as quiet as they were last time and perhaps my aversion to re-reading books has a little something to do with it too. And the timing seemed off. I’m ok with where I’m at right now and perhaps there is no real curiosity to figure out any alternative routes.

Bottom line is that I didn’t do it, but I have no regrets about that. When the timing is right, the book will be waiting on its designated 3/4-inch of shelf and will help me reveal the truths I’ll be ready to hear at the time.

Since Monday, my theme has been prayer. I’ve done better on this one. I read a book about prayer “Experiencing God through Prayer” by Madame Guyon. I spent time journaling prayers and just being more conscious of my vertical communication. The timing for this one was perfect! I’m still struggling with my attraction to this married man I mentioned a few posts ago, so consciously shifting focus from man to God, from earth to heaven, has been a very good thing.

Got a few more days of the prayer theme to go and I already know that this one is a vital keeper. I didn’t have to have it as a theme to figure that out. The theme was to help me back to a habit of daily, continuous divine interaction.

Driving on the Left November 15, 2009

I think it was more the dread of spending another week-end in what must be one of the most quiet towns ever than the desire for great adventure that finally caused me to gather enough courage to rent a car and have my first ever experience of driving on the left.

I’ve been in the passenger seat enough not to gasp any longer when making right turns so I already had the feel of it. Luckily, the car was an automatic, so I didn’t have to worry about shifting with my left hand. The greatest challenge wasn’t the right turns or the roundabouts, but not turning on the windshield wipers when I meant to signal left or right. Even today, after a week-end of driving, I made the same mistake, although less frequently.

Company would have been nice. And I’m talking human company. There were plenty of intimate encounters with mosquitos, flies, geckos and other never before seen (by me) bugs, including some sort of beatle the size of a small mouse. I’m glad I used to live in a tropical climate for such a long time or I’m afraid I would have spent my entire evenings under the mosquito net.

I’m also happy to report that there were no incidents of any kind. I almost hit a chicken once and had to break hard to save a confused goat but we’re all safe and sound. My windshield witnesses of mass destruction of small creatures but my heart fails to feel any compassion for winged creepy crawlies so I have no remorse.

In essence, I’m glad I made the call, got the car, drove the distance and returned safely.

First rains November 8, 2009

Got caught in the first heavy rainfall of this year’s wet season the other day. We took shelter under a tree, but the quarter-cup rain drops quickly penetrated the sparse greenery and we stood not only soaked, but also dirty from water filtered through the dusty leaves. Eventually, we decided to just head home in the rain. Not far, a third mile or so, but by the time we got back , we looked like wet cats and we litterally wrung water out of our clothes. It felt like a special moment though, since it was the first heavy rain and kids were running down the street skipping and laughing, much like kids at home do when the first snow falls every season.

Today has been a beautiful and mostly clear day though. Headed to a local art fest after breakfast. Found a really nice batique but it was already sold. They took my number and the artist called me later. It looks like he might be able to custom make one for me before I go. That would be even more special than picking one off the wall at the exhibit.

It is now mid afternoon and I am sitting at an outdoor garden-style bar with a live band playing some smooth jazzy tunes – and where they actually have free wireless so I’ve been able to catch up on some personal emails. Unfortunately, I don’t have internet where I’m staying and it is not always feasible to stay late at work when you depend on others to give you a ride home. At least now, I have found a reliable and mostly available taxi driver so I’m not wholly dependent on the goodwill of the office and colleagues.

To be completely honest, I feel terribly lonely today. The few people I know to call are not available for one reason or another. Staying alone at the house was way too depressing so at least I knew about this place which is at least a partial remedy to the lump in my chest.

Pleasure and pain in Africa November 4, 2009

The delay of the plane ended up being 5 hours before we took off. But I arrived safely at my final destination, which is the most important part.

The house where I’m staying is lovely. I have an airy room with a private bath and my hosts are fun and easygoing. I enjoy having access to a kitchen instead of depending on restaurants. The only thing is that I have to wash my own underwear. Since the help does the laundry by hand, I was told it is customary that ladies wash their own underwear. What I don’t understand is why men’s underwear is fine for them to wash. What is up with that? A remnant from old days I assume.

It was great seeing everyone again. I felt very much welcomed back with lots of hugs, kisses and big smiles. Work is as busy as ever and it took me a while to switch my mind from home office to field office mode. Now, at the end of the third day, I think the transition has been completed.

Other than that, I’m in a bit of emotional turmoil from being attracted to a man here that turned out to be married. I spent months after my first visit to reason myself out of the attraction and thought I managed pretty well. However, upon seeing him again, it flared back up. Why won’t my heart listen to the reasoning of my mind? Why does this have to hurt so badly? I know “why” questions are futile, but can’t help but ask.

As a friend of mine so eloquently put it, this kind of feelings causes one to become “slave to the bondage of this emotion disguised as love”, when in fact it is not. Do you hear that, heart of mine? Do you hear the truth?

Arrival in Africa November 1, 2009

I’m in Africa! Which is the good part.

I’m stuck at a less-than-thrilling airport for almost 5 hours due to a delayed connecting flight. Which is the not-so-good part.

Although I slept fairly good on the red-eye coming here, it can’t compare to a good night’s horizontal sleep  so I’m dead tired and just can’t find a place to get comfortable enough to doze off. So I’m killing time in any way I can.

For one, I have bought myself a light cotton hat, which I haven’t been able to find in the October collections of wooly caps in the stores at home. As Meg Ryan’s character in You’ve got mail says, such purchases will ”turn out to be a mistake, as most hats are”.  I like the idea of hats, but have to agree that most are indeed mistakes. Nevertheless, I will need it to shield off the mid-day sun, especially if I end up going on the safari I want to fit in towards the end.

After spending half and hour trying to hook up to a wireless connection on my laptop, I caved in and spent an hour at this airport machine answering old emails that have been chafing on my conscience for some time. I’m glad to have used at least some of the time constructively.

With another two hours to go, I will go and grab a bite to eat & leaf through one of the magazines I brought as this connection is starting to cost me and arm and half a leg.